The Invisible Older Woman

By Big Sister

Many years ago, over coffee, a friend indignantly described a radio program portraying older women as invisible. I was much younger at the time and the topic just didn’t resonate with me. I tried very hard to pretend that I was interested but my mind was on other “younger” topics.

Fast forward several years and I can now relate. Of course I am technically quite visible but “nonexistent” in so many subtle ways. I have had the clerk at the grocery store smile and chat with both the person ahead and behind me, while I barely rate the minimum required “hello”, and a classic example is the door holding dilemma. I am constantly astonished at the number of people preceding me through a commercial establishment’s door who simply let it close in front of me. I usually follow this particular scenario with a loud “THANK YOU.” More often than not, the culprit pretends they haven’t heard me and continues on their way. I’m wondering if a large percentage of the population has serious hearing issues. Anyone who does acknowledge my remark usually replies that they are sorry, they didn’t see me. Perhaps a large percentage of the population also has vision issues.

Conversely, there is the “I hold the door open for someone and they don’t acknowledge with a thank you” scenario. My response to this is a loud “YOU’RE WELCOME.” Again, this usually results in nothing….no reaction whatsoever. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Are manners and polite demeanour dead, or…….. am I invisible?

Of course the above scenarios aren’t specific to older women, but I suspect they occur more often if an older woman is involved. So what are we to do? It’s so easy to just fade into the background….to give in and stop trying. We become comfortable with not bothering to wear make up, and sticking with outdated clothes and hairstyles, in essence, becoming invisible. If we are treated rudely or overlooked, we tend to accept it, rather than stand up for ourselves.

These are of course generalizations but if we truly care, we must become assertive…not necessarily loudly assertive, although my loud thank you and you’re welcome examples illustrate the occasional need to be just that. No, it is now my belief that quietly assertive wins the race every time.

In that respect, we were lucky to have a role model in Mom. She was a master of “sweet assertiveness” and a communication guru. People remembered her smile and her quiet manner. We used to always joke that wherever we went with her there was a good chance she would meet someone that she knew, and a conversation would ensue. In particular, the clerks at Safeway, the pharmacists at the drugstore, the staff at Starbucks all inevitably greeted her with “Hi Betty, how are you?” and we were at the very least, in for a 5 to 10 minute exchange. I now know this was a concerted effort on her part to relate to others, but also to declare that she was here, alive and well, thank you very much!

In particular I’m reminded of a situation that has become a bit of a family legend. Mom and I were walking to Starbucks one day and it didn’t take long for me to realize that most of the people who were walking towards us were either smiling or saying a friendly “hello.” So much so, that I asked Mom if she knew these people. “No,” she innocently replied.

I couldn’t figure out what was happening so I watched her carefully. It turned out that her body language was practically daring people to acknowledge her. She was leaning forward slightly and smiling almost aggressively. If you were approaching her, she would have been very difficult to ignore….a classic example of quiet assertiveness.

When Mom was in the hospital, we would often find her in deep conversation with the janitors or the food servers. So often they would tell us that they just loved Mom and would do little favors for her. The food servers would bring her treats and help her with cutting up food or heating a drink that had gone cold. One lady would always fluff her pillow. Several of her physicians would spend a few extra minutes with her and it was obvious they genuinely liked her and tried very hard to help her. Again, she was far from invisible.

Mom always carried her lipstick with her. It was either bright pink or red and to me, it was a subtle sign that she still cared very much about her appearance. She had her hair done every Saturday ( of course becoming good friends with her stylist) and a pedicure every month ( of course becoming good friends with her esthetician)…….another example of Mom’s “visibility.”

Now that I am an older woman, I see Mom’s behavior in a different light. We used to think of it as cute and endearing, which it certainly was, but I wish she was still here so we could have a discussion around it. I would love to hear her thoughts on it, because she was definitely on to something. Whether it was a deliberate ploy on her part to be “seen,” we’ll never know, but people genuinely loved Mom and what better way to live your senior years, than to be acknowledged, appreciated and very visible?

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Apparently it is quite common as one ages, to “turn into your parents.” Oddly enough, I think that is happening to me. I am finding myself smiling at strangers and engaging others in checkout lines. I’m more aware of those around me and try to be helpful if I see an opportunity. These are baby steps for sure but I’m determined to get those grocery clerks to acknowledge me with more than “hello”and if I find myself in a door holding dilemma, I’m addressing it with a smile and a quiet “you’re welcome” or a quiet “thank you.”

I’m also toying with the idea of brighter lipstick and perhaps red glasses. And I’ve always wanted to wear long, dangling earrings but somehow never found the confidence to try them. Maybe it’s time…… I know for sure that

Betty would love that!

We plan to publish a new post every Monday, so stayed tuned for our next one entitled We are the Sisterhood.