How Are You?…. No Really, How Are You?

We all do it. Without a second thought we ask acquaintances and even strangers that standard, polite question: “How are you?” Those three words may even escape our lips several times a day. Then we wait for the standard, polite response: “Fine, thanks” or “Good, thanks.” And that is pretty much that.

In that short interaction, we have learned precisely nothing. Both responses are meaningless and vague. They may mean something to one person and something entirely different to another. The odd thing is that for the most part, we’re “fine” with that. We have fulfilled a societal expectation and a social nicety, and without missing a beat, the conversation usually moves quickly on.

If you think about it, there are perhaps two reasons for these empty replies:

• We don’t want to appear vulnerable, so rather than dig deep and give a response that reflects our true feelings, we resort to these “old standards.” Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about and we often don’t want others to know anything about our battle.
• Perhaps even more important is the idea that we feel people don’t really care anyway. They expect the “fine/good” answer, and that is often the case. The grocery clerk who asks how you are, could not care less. He or she probably sees it as engaging with the customer, when in fact, it is nothing of the sort.

The Element of Surprise

Can you imagine how surprised people would be if you responded to “how are you?” with a different word or words? It would change the dynamic of the conversation dramatically, because different words carry a different impact and “fine/good” are dull, boring and neutral. They carry very little emotion. There are, however, many powerful, intense words in the English dictionary which can influence how we feel and set the tone of our interactions and our day. Our choice of words can greatly enrich our conversations.

The Sisterhood has recently been pondering this notion and we have compiled a list of words that we find uplifting and perhaps inspiring. It would likely surprise people if you used them as an alternate response. I daresay the element of surprise would probably lead to a moment of silence while your new word registers. Of course it is always possible that people wouldn’t hear your unique response and simply move on in the conversation….a sure indication that they weren’t engaged in the first place. Out of interest, try it the next time that grocery clerk asks you how you are.

What’s Your Favorite Word?

The Sisterhood have each picked a favorite word from the list above, because that particular word resonated with us. As a simple experiment, we decided to try using that word when we are asked how we are, as we go about our day. It has illustrated just how ingrained the “fine/good” response is. Kerri in particular has found it challenging to remember to use her word, while Shauna and Mag can’t seem to remember to even try. Perhaps this will be expanded in the future, to a full blown challenge….and it will be a challenge.

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What’s Your Question?

Just as we can choose to respond differently, we can also ask the question differently. Our tone of voice, body language and deliberate eye contact may catch the listener’s attention. Try putting a deliberate, strong emphasis on a different word and you will notice for example, How ARE you? or How are YOU? can give an impression of sincere interest resulting hopefully in a more meaningful response.

Mom was a master at this. She genuinely cared about people and they responded in kind. She always looked you right in the eye and leaned in to connect with you. I truly believe that is one of the main reasons she was so well liked and loved.

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How Am I?

Besides asking others, it has also occurred to us that we should be asking ourselves the same question. Checking in with a response from our list, is a good way to set the tone for our day. As a friend recently explained, “Words have vibrations, feelings and we need to pay attention to that.” The effect may only be temporary but it is a habit worth fostering and repeating.

Does Anybody Really Care?

In the end, does it matter if people really care? I think not. Today’s world is complicated and busy and it is easy to become engrossed in our own “bubble.” How someone else is doing can be just another irrelevant detail. What matters then is that we take responsibility for how we feel and how we might make others feel. That is truly the “take away lesson”and I find it fascinating that a word or two can have such a profound effect.

What word or words do you find inspiring and uplifting? Take a moment to really ponder the question. Our choice of words is so important and can be so powerful. If we really try, we can each find words that elicit happy, calming, grateful, joyous, glorious ( I could go on and on) emotions.

Record them. Refer to them. Repeat them.

Betty would love that!

We plan to publish a new post every Monday, so stayed tuned for our next one entitled “Mom Always Liked You Best”