Due to popular demand from the canine community, Biscuit is back with a replay of a previous post, displaying her career as an esteemed advice columnist.

Biscuit Lends a Helping Hand

I am excited to tell you that I have started an advice column. Yes, I was approached by the Canine Comet (a well known, distinguished and widely read daily newspaper), and given that I am always available to give advice to my friends, whether they ask for it or not, I thought heck, why not. Let’s do this and see where it goes. (FYI, my column is titled Biscuit Barks and it is available in both print and online versions.)

So, I barked the word out there and three of my friends responded. It was a bit difficult to interpret their submissions as they don’t have laptops, and their grammar was weak at best, but I managed to capture what I believe is an accurate illustration of the essence of their dilemmas.

Perplexed Reader #1

Dear Biscuit,

I really like treats, but my humans tell me they are on a strict budget, so I only get a treat on Saturdays, even though I have been behaving and doing all the good dog things, like not jumping on people and doing my business outside all the time. Can you help?

Signed, I Can’t Get No Treats

Dear I Can’t Get No Treats,

I feel your pain but you have to assume that your humans really are on a budget and accept their limitations. Having said that, there is probably some room to raise your cuteness factor to another level. If I dig deep into my bag of “cuteness tricks”, I have some suggestions.

My advice would be to keep doing all those good things, but a trick that has worked well for me in the past, is to wait until your humans are in the kitchen and you smell something yummy cooking. This means that they are likely in a good mood and your treat chances have increased exponentially. Then follow your nose. Next, sit in the middle of the floor (correct positioning is essential) and wait until they notice you. Look up at them pleadingly and wag your tail very slowly. (Sometimes a bit of whining helps but at this point its a bit risky so you need to read the room and use your discretion.) Once I do that, I am in total control. The both look at me and say “She is so cute” and Booyah! I get a treat! Give this a try and let me know if it works for you.

( Fun Fact: I recently accidentally chewed a pair of my human’s shoes, and still managed to score a treat by using this very technique)

Yours in Cuteness and Cuddles,

Biscuit

Perplexed Reader #2

Dear Biscuit,

Do you have any suggestions so that I don’t ever have to get into another car? I get pretty shaky and nervous whenever I hear the car start.

Signed, I Hate Car Rides

Dear I Hate Car Rides,

Well, what do you know, I hate them too. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, you will be going to the Vet. I have been fooled by this so many times it’s not even funny. All you hear is “Who wants to go for a car ride?” and you are beside yourself. (The first time this happened to me I got so excited, I peed a little and I didn’t even know what a car was.)

Sometimes I go to places that are really fun, but usually I end up you know where. Bottom line: you are never going to escape the dreaded trip to the Vet my friend. You just need some coping strategies. My advice is just don’t get too excited, and practice controlled breathing (I can recommend a helpful publication that might interest you. The price is very reasonable) But most of all, always always assume that you are going to the Vet, and when it turns out to be the Vet, then you’re prepared and if it’s not the Vet then you will be pleasantly surprised. Hope this helps. (BTW, is this you Lassie?)

Serenely Yours,

Biscuit

Perplexed Reader #3

Dear Biscuit,

My humans are a bit over the top with the cleanliness thing. They are always washing their hands and I have to wipe my paws every time I come back into the house. I mean it really is excessive. But that’s not the worst. They insist on a bath once a week. Have you ever heard of anything so stupid? What can I do?

Signed, Splish Splash, I Hate Baths

Dear Splish,

I can’t believe this, I have another reader who does not like having a bath. It is kind of funny because when it rains I like to walk in puddles, and I love to go into the river and play around, but only up to my belly. Anything farther out and I get scared. But enough about me. This is a real life canine problem and I feel your pain.

Generally, whenever I hear the bath water running I go and sit outside the bathroom door, but to get into an actual bath, nope, that is where I draw the line. I just like to listen to the sound of the running water. Intellectually, however, I know I am going to have one because all of a sudden my name changes from Biscuit to “Stinky”and I see them grab the towels. After a brief struggle, I usually just concede defeat.

Of course you can’t avoid a bath forever, but in the short term, my advice is to run and hide under the bed, or in a corner. Sadly, they always find you, so ultimately you will have to give in. However, there might be a treat opportunity if you play your cards right. See Cuteness Suggestions Above.

Yours in Cleanliness,

Biscuit

Biscuit Barks

I hope my advice was useful, and that you will use it. If not well, that’s on you. Stay tuned. I have a feeling that my telling pups what to do is going to be a big a hit, and I am going to be seeing more letters in the future. Until then be a Good Pup, and Good Things Will Happen.

We will do a new blog post every Monday, so stay tuned for our next one entitled “And the Winner Is…“